I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
