Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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