Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
