I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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