i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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