I just made out with a guy for $7.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
