dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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