what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Randomize
