The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
