Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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