You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
