For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
