My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
