Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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