My room smells like vodka and shame
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
