Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
