there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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