You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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