Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i love accidental penises.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
