i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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