The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
