I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
