I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
