Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.