Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
