she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
