I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
