He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
