I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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