im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
