I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
