the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
