I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
