Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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