woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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