yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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