I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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