Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
