A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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