I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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