I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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