remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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