Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
