those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
