You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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