I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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