I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
