this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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