Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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