the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
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it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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