Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
