I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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